


Memories Are Bullets

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Recovery [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Agony Rune, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Rape Recovery, Revenge, Self-Harm, Torture, my heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-03-09 02:36:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18907792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: Prompt: Person A gets kidnapped by some people, and Person B has to find them somehow. They find Person A alive, but is horribly injured mentally and psychologically. Person B is hurt seeing Person A in such a state; flinching away from people, jumping at sudden noises or movement, afraid of being alone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt from Angst Prompts.tumblr.com: Person A gets kidnapped by some people, and Person B has to find them somehow.
> 
> Option 1.) They find Person A dead.
> 
> Option 2.) They find Person A alive, but is horribly injured mentally and psychologically. Person B is hurt seeing Person A in such a state; flinching away from people, jumping at sudden noises or movement, afraid of being alone.
> 
> Option 3.) They never find Person A.
> 
> I've gone with Option 2 (before anyone freaks out too much).
> 
> Oh, Clary doesn't lost her memories or her runes or anything in this one. :) 
> 
> Song for this fic: Not Alone by Red.

_Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces._  
~Richard Kadrey

* * *

The thing is, Magnus has been tortured numerous times in his life, most recently by Iris in her search for Madzie, and the time before that was during his stint in Valentine’s body. He and torture are old not-friends, they’re well acquainted enough to know they just aren’t good for each other. So, when he wakes up chained to the ceiling, stripped to only his underwear, he knows what to expect, even if he doesn’t know who, or why, or how.

He remembers leaving the loft in Alicante to meet a client and doesn’t remember what happened after stepping out of his portal. They’ve been in Alicante for months now and his husband’s initiatives have become the new norm, so he let his guard down weeks ago, and he shouldn’t have. Alicante is still Shadowhunter ground, is their home turf, and he let himself forget.

“I see you’re finally awake, Mr Bane.” An unfamiliar voice says from the shadows, Magnus doesn’t bother seeking them out, knows they’ll reveal themselves when they wish and not a moment before.

“Do I get the honour of your name?” Magnus asks, breathing calmly despite the pull he can suddenly feel in his arms, wonders how long he’s been hanging here like this. “And it’s Lightwood-Bane.”

“We do not recognize your farce of a marriage.” The voice replies, if they’re hoping to get a rise out of Magnus, they’re going to be disappointed. The Clave has recognized their marriage, it doesn’t matter what the various Shadowhunters think, it never did. All that matters is Alec and the fact Alec wants to be his husband, forever.

“Well, I legally changed my name to Lightwood-Bane, anyway, so even if you don’t recognise my marriage, it’s still my name.” Magnus replies, a smirk forming on his lips, even though he knows he shouldn’t antagonize his captors, he can’t seem to help it. He hisses and jumps suddenly at he feels fire dance over his bare back. “You’re a warlock.” He exclaims in surprise, as he tries to get his footing again, to stop swinging as his shoulders feel like popping.

“Look up.” The voice commands and, once he finds his footing, Magnus does, looks up at his bound arms and his heart stops at the sight of Clary’s alliance rune shining on his forearm. Shadowhunters using his own magic to torture him. _Inspired_.

“Well, at least you’re being unique.” He tells his captor, quickly looking away from the rune, closing his eyes when he hears his captor laughing.

“Wouldn’t want to disappoint the _High Warlock of Alicante_.” His captor answers, his words mocking, Magnus refuses to let them get to him. “You’re never going to leave here alive; you know?”

“What makes you so sure?” Magnus questions, even as fear begins to pool in his gut.

“Intentions.” His captor replies, with a harsh laugh. “You see, we intend to give our new Inquisitor a gift. What better gift than the broken body of his so-called husband?”

“He’s going to find me and you’ll all pay.” Magnus warns them, even as he tries to reassure himself.

“Well, wouldn’t want to waste any time then, would we?” his captor questions, and before Magnus can even think of a response, his thoughts are overtaken by fire. He grits his teeth, refuses to give them the satisfaction of his screams, forcing himself to breathe through the pain of it, until the darkness finally engulfs him.

* * *

Alec paces around the loft, rubbing his hand over his wedding rune on his heart, placed in the weeks following their marriage, when they’d _accidentally_ learnt that Magnus had just enough angel genes in him from Asmodeus that he could safely carry runes. Only, his wedding rune is on fire now, burning the way his parabatai rune burns when Jace is hurt or in trouble. It’s been burning off and on for hours, but he cannot find Magnus, Cat hasn’t seen him, neither has Lorenzo or anyone else back in New York. He’s not at any of the places they’ve frequented since coming to Alicante and for the life of him, Alec cannot figure out where he might be.

Then, he remembers the caution Jia had given him a few weeks before, about growing unrest in the city. Shadowhunters who still couldn’t, wouldn't accept Downworlders amongst them. Alec’s heart stutters in his chest, and fear blossoms as he sends an urgent message to Jace.

They have to find Magnus. _Now._

* * *

The thing Shadowhunters never learnt about warlocks and seelies is that both of them have the ability to drift into their minds, not forever and not for hours at a time, but when you’re being tortured, it’s just long enough to grant you a reprieve. So, between bouts of torture and unconsciousness, Magnus lets himself drift into his memories. Memories of Alec, memories of past loves, memories of Catarina and Ragnor, memories of Dot, or Clary, of the Institute in New York. Magnus lets himself wander through memories of his wedding before he’s violently yanked out of them and instead, finds himself reliving the first time mundanes attempted to burn him as a witch. It is a memory he hid away centuries ago, refusing to dwell on the terror and the heat of the flames.

He screams as he finally wrenches himself from the memory, breathing heavily and aware of the tears flowing down his face as his heart hammers in his chest. He’s startled to find that he’s no longer chained to the ceiling, instead, he’s strapped into a chair, and there on his wrist is a rune he hoped he would never see again. He stares at it, wonders if his captor has discovered that he naturally can bear runes, or if it’s a result of the alliance rune still glowing on his other arm. Wonders whether the alliance rune was redrawn or if this is still the original. Wonders how long he has been here.  

“Well, that got a response.” His captor teases, Magnus opens his mouth to curse him before gritting his teeth instead as the rune is activated with a flick of his captor’s stele.

_“Well, aren’t you a pretty little thing.”_

He sobs before the memory has even finished forming around him, before he’s even beginning to relive the feelings and the sensations of his past self. This is a memory he’s hidden so, so deeply, behind so many locked doors he long ago lost count. This is a memory he long ago tried to forget that he carries.

He feels the unwanted hands running over his skin, the sticky, warm feel of his blood dribbling down his arms as he tears at his bonds, to no avail.

“No, no, no. Please, please, please.” The words pour out of his mouth, a litany of pleas and screams that fell on deaf ears then, as they fall on deaf ears now. He screams and screams and tries desperately to pull himself from the memory, even as he tries to ignore the sensations and feelings he’s forced to relive.

* * *

They step out of the portal Lorenzo forms and Alec’s heart stops at the screaming that immediately assaults his ears.

“Magnus!” he yells, ready to run after the sound, but a firm hand snags his wrist and holds him tightly in place.

“We have to be careful, Alec.” Jace warns him, Alec knows he’s right, but logic is so hard to find around the screams of his husband.

_“No, no, please, no, no. Don’t. Please!”_

Alec closes his eyes, breathes deeply and slowly activates his runes, drawing fortitude as well as clear thought, before he nods at his parabatai and turning to lead the way, Lorenzo, Cat, Isabelle, Clary, Andrew, and Simon following after them.

They’re in an old cabin out by Lake Lynn that had been abandoned by Shadowhunters centuries ago but has recently, secretly, been reacquired and renovated. They’re not sure how many enemies they’ll encounter, so they do it by the book, clearing room by room, and every step closer to Magnus is an agony that Alec cannot explain.

Finally, _finally_ they reach the door through which Magnus’ cries are coming from, Alec’s hand trembles as he reaches out to open the door and breach. His breath hitches when he finds Magnus, stripped of his clothes, covered in all sorts of cuts and bruises and burns and strapped tightly to a chair, sobbing helplessly. But his assailant isn’t anywhere to be found.

Alec trusts the others to find their rogue Shadowhunter, while he crosses to Magnus’ side with Catarina, his heart shattering in his chest when he sees the Agony rune glowing angrily on Magnus’ wrist, still active. Magnus is no longer speaking in English, he’s begging in something that sounds vaguely like Indonesian but Alec isn’t sure, whatever language it is, Catarina understands it if the way her skin keeps flickering is any indication, her glamour threatening to fall at any moment.

“What’s he saying?” Alec asks, as he considers the agony rune, knows the ramifications for prematurely cancelling the rune, knows the only thing they can do is let the rune run its course. He turns to Cat when she doesn’t answer, finds her in tears, gripping tightly to Magnus’ hand. “Cat?”

“It’s not for me to tell.” Cat answers, shaking her head. “He’ll tell you when he is ready.” She says, glaring down at the Agony Rune. “How long?”

“I don’t know.” Alec answers, clenching his jaw. “Let’s get him out of the chair and we’ll go from there.”

* * *

After what feels like an eternity, Magnus wrenches himself from the memory, breathing heavily and unable to stop the sobs that tear from his throat, his eyes clenched tightly shut as consciousness returns to him. He freezes, his whole body tensing when he realizes there are hands touching him in his lucid moments now, too.

“No, no, please _don’t._ Please.” He mumbles, pushing at the hands, vaguely aware that his hands are free, but unable to focus on that when there are hands touching him and Lucifer, he _can’t._ “Please, don’t. _Please_.”

“Magnus?” his breath stutters over his lips at the voice and he refuses to open his eyes and let hope destroy him. It would be the last straw, he knows, can feel it deep down within him. He’s hanging on by a thread, and this would just be the straw that breaks his back. “Magnus, I’m here, baby. I’m here.”

“Alexander?” he whispers, against his better judgement, doesn’t want to believe it because it will only destroy him when the illusion shatters.

“I’m here, Magnus. I found you, I’m here.” Alec answers and Magnus can’t resist for a single moment longer, slowly opening his eyes to stare up at his husband. He gasps and reaches out for Alec the moment his husband’s face stops wavering in his vision and solidifies into the beautiful face he knows so well. He all but throws himself into Alec’s arms, clinging as tightly as he can. “Shh, you’re alright. I’m here.”

“Get me… get me out of here, _please_.” He begs, sobbing against Alec’s chest. “Get me out.”

“Cat?” Alec asks, his arms wrapping tightly around him, and he lets out keening little wail, before he realizes he’s doing it.

“He’s safe to portal.” Cat’s voice replies, before Magnus feels the familiar tear in the air around him as a portal forms, and he’s suddenly surrounded by his own wards. He flinches away from the familiar wards, until he reminds himself that this is _his_ magic, that it belongs to _him_ , and him alone, and will only ever answer to _him_ and no one else, no matter if Clary’s alliance rune is drawn or not. Until he reminds himself that no wards will ever protect him as well as his own will. The wards caress him, welcoming him home, promising to shelter and protect him and he gives into their promise, as he always has, and lets the darkness lurking at the corner of his vision rise up to claim him.

* * *

Alec’s heart feels broken in his chest, his lungs ache with every breath that he takes. He’s never seen Magnus like this before, never seen him so broken.

“Come on.” Cat says, pulling Alec from his staring, looking at his husband with something akin to heartbreak and horror mingled in one. “I need to heal him.” Cat explains, pulling Alec up onto his feet, Magnus held tightly in his arms, before she’s pushing him down the hallway towards the master bedroom.

Alec seems to find himself halfway down, since he walks the rest of the way without her prodding and gently lays his husband down on their bed, curling up beside him, but not getting in Cat’s way. It doesn’t take Cat long to heal Magnus, glaring darkly at the agony rune when she’s finished and unable to do anything more. She magics Alec and Magnus both into sleep clothes and turns to leave them, hesitating in the doorway.

“If he has a nightmare, let him initiate touch, Alec.” Cat warns, before she’s gone, presumably to wait for the others to return, Alec doesn’t know and he doesn’t care. All that matters is the man in his arms.

* * *

Magnus wakes to a vice around his waist but no other restraint and he breathes in deeply, tries to calm his heart, which hammers in his chest.

“Magnus? Love, are you with me?” his husband’s voice sounds beside him, and he hisses out a breath.

“Alexander?” he whispers, as the vice around his waist moves, pulling up and way and he realizes that it is Alec’s arm, the tension suddenly leaves him in a large gust of breath. “Are you real?” Magnus asks, knows it is a stupid question, because even if Alec weren’t, he’d still say he was, but Magnus can’t help it.

“I’m real. I’m here. You’re safe.” Alec promises, but Alec normally backs up such promises by wrapping Magnus tightly in his arms; not this time. Magnus isn’t sure whether he’s relieved or upset, he knows if Alec tried, he’d scream bloody murder or scramble away so quickly his head would spin. He _knows_ this, but he wants… oh, Lucifer, he _wants_.

“Do… do we know who?” Magnus asks, pulling his thoughts away from places he cannot afford to tread.

“A rogue group of Shadowhunters, unmarked remnants of the Circle.” Alec explains, Magnus watches him visibly refrain from reaching out. His Alexander has always been tactile. This is… this must be torture for them _both_.

“So, they don’t even know me… us?” Magnus asks, isn’t sure if this makes it better or worse, knows it certainly doesn’t fix what he feels, the things he’s gone through.

“No.” Alec replies, anger barely hidden in his voice, but Magnus hears it, knows his husband too well to miss it and he can’t help the way he flinches away. He refuses to look at Alec, to see the heartbreak he knows will play itself out on his husband’s truly expressive face. “They’re dead.” Alec finally says, after they’ve both lapsed into silence.

“Good.” Magnus tells him, even though it doesn’t change anything, his captors are dead, but the damage has already been done. “I love you.” Magnus says, turning to look at Alec, tears burning in his eyes. “I love you, but I need… you have to give me time, Alec.”

“Take all the time you need, Magnus. Whatever you need, I’m here. I’m not leaving you.” Alec promises, making an abortive motion to reach for him, Magnus breaths deeply and shuffles himself forward, into Alec’s space, and sighs when Alec’s arms wrap around him.

“It’s not even… that agony rune is the worst thing in existence.” Magnus mutters, burying his face in Alec’s neck. “I could have handled anything else, but that rune…”

“Was it your mother again?” Alec asks, his voice barely above a whisper, Magnus assumes his husband is afraid of asking.

“No. I think… I think when Iris went meandering through my memories, she broke some of my walls and I didn’t… I didn’t notice.” He explains, tries to build up the courage to broach the topic with Alec but can’t quite to seem to accomplish it.

“You can tell me anything, Magnus, but I won’t push if you don’t want to talk.” Alec assures him, gently running his hands through Magnus’ hair, surprising Magnus, who doesn’t find the touch offensive or threatening.

“I…” he pauses, sucks in a deep breath and then lets it out slowly, braces himself for the strong reaction he knows his husband will have to the words he is about to say. “I was raped once.” He finally says, the words all but choking him as they fall off his tongue. He breathes through his panic as Alec’s arms tighten their hold on him for just a second, before loosening, causing Magnus’ panic to lessen also. “It was a really, really long time ago. I’ve done my best to forget it ever happened, refused to let it define me, but the memories are there.”

“And the Agony rune… by the Angel, Magnus!” Alec whispers, clearly unable to keep the horror out of his voice. “It would have been like it was happening all over again.”

“Yes.” Magnus answers, nodding his head. “Yes, exactly that.”

“I… what… I don’t… what do you need from me?” Alec asks, stumbling over his words, sounding like his heart has been brutally torn from his chest. It will always amaze Magnus how much his Alexander loves him, how much his hurts affect his Shadowhunter, even if the hurts are centuries older than the Shadowhunter himself.

“Love.” He answers, on instinct, without thought.

“Always.” Alec promises, determined. “Anything else?”

“I don’t know.” Magnus replies, honestly, shaking his head. “I just… I don’t know. Last time I just… survived. I don’t know… I just… woke up every morning and went to sleep every night, and _breathed_ and somehow I kept on going.”

“You did it alone?” Alec exclaims, surprised.

“It was… shortly after I’d just banished my father to Edom for the first time. I was… I was nineteen, I think.” Magnus answers, brow furrowing as he tries to remember. “I didn’t have anyone.”

“Well, now you have me.” Alec replies, going back to running his hand through Magnus’ hair, Magnus isn’t sure how he feels about the fact it relaxes him almost immediately. “And you have Cat, Madzie, Izzy, Simon, Jace, Clary, Max, Dot, Andrew, and Lorenzo, and my mum and Luke.”

“Family.” He whispers, feels the way his heart swells when he thinks of them.

“Yeah, our family.”

“Can you… can you tell them?” Magnus asks, pulling back to meet his husband’s eyes. “I don’t… I’ve said it once; I won’t say it again.”

“I-I’ll tell them, but… Cat knows already, doesn’t she?” Alec questions, hesitant.

“Yeah, I… well, let’s just say someone spiked my drink once, when I was out with Cat and Ragnor, they saved me from… well they saved me. When I was sober again, Ragnor explained what had almost happened and I broke down and told them.” Magnus explains, looking anywhere but Alec’s eyes. “Pandemonium is warded so those with… that sort of intent can’t get in.”

“I’m actually really glad for that. Izzy spent most of our teenage years sneaking into your club.” Alec admits, causing Magnus to turn to him, startled.

“ _What?_ ”

“Yeah, she’s good with a glamour.” Alec answers, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m relieved you thought about… I’m just sad about the reasons why you would have thought of it.”

“It’s a heinous crime, Alec. My father is the personification of lust, but even he swears he would never… I’m one of the only warlocks not born of rape.” Magnus explains with a bitter little laugh.

“But your mother-“

“Oh, she didn’t know the handsome man she set her heart on was a demon.” Magnus says, cutting Alec off before he can say the words. “The moment my father realized he’d gotten her pregnant, he high tailed it, and she took up with my stepfather and married him before she began to show. My stepfather made sure I _knew_ that he knew I wasn’t his _.”_

“Well, he’s an asshole anyway, why would you ever want to be his?” Alec asks, and Magnus can’t help the hysteric laugh that suddenly bubbles up, he presses his hands over his mouth, but the laughter still escapes and he doesn’t even know why he’s laughing, until he's not laughing anymore, he's crying, soul wrenching sobs that make his chest ache. He doesn't know how he did this on his own before, doesn't know how he possibly did this without someone, anyone to lean on, but he must have, because he's still here. Here to be held tightly in his husband's arms, while his husband promises to be there when he wakes, promises to try and fight all his demons for him, promises to protect him as he cries himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if I'm going to do chapter fic or series fics... will decide tomorrow (if I get home from work early enough to write) but I don't feel like this is it.


	2. Ohana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter fic it is!!
> 
> Sorry in advance for the cliffy!!

Magnus wakes to the room shrouded in darkness and a vice once more across his waist. Logically, he knows it is Alec, he _knows_ this, but the knowledge doesn’t stop his body from tensing up, doesn’t stop his breath from trembling over his lips. Knowing doesn’t stop his heart, completely against his will, from deciding it must hammer itself out of his chest or, perhaps, kill him trying. Knowing doesn’t stop the horrific fear and panic that blooms within him and the voice that screams over and over in his mind.

_No, no, no. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. No, no, no._

“It’s okay, Magnus. It’s okay, you’re okay.” Alec’s voice penetrates the litany in his mind and Magnus realizes Alec’s lifted his arm away, retreated as far across the bed as he can be without risking falling off. Magnus _hates_ it. Hates the way the fear immediately begins to abate, hates the way his heart suddenly decides it’s no longer desperate for escape, hates the way that terrible fear lessens, no longer choking him. He hates how that voice in his mind has receded into little more than incoherent mumbling in the back of his mind that he knows could burst into a roar at any time.

Perhaps last time it was easier. He had no one close to him, no one who wanted to be close to him, so if he jumped at shadows it was for good reasons and not simply because the people who love him want to be near him, want to comfort him, want to hold him. He hates this.

He waits, staring into the darkness of _their_ room, waits until he’s certain that if Alec moves too quickly in his eagerness to hold him that he will not portal screaming for the hills. So, when he’s certain he will cope, he rolls towards his husband and breathes out a relieved breath when Alec’s arms wrap around him, pulling him close.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbles, even though he knows he’s not in charge of any of this. Hasn’t been in charge of anything since he stepped out of a portal and doesn’t remember what happened after, except waking up to a nightmare.

“None of this is your fault.” His Alexander assures him, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Not any of it.”

“But-“

“No.” Alec argues, gently cutting him off. “None of it is your fault. If you want, I’ll go find Meliorn and draw the alliance rune just so you can trust me when I say this; **none of it was your fault**. Not now and not all those centuries ago. _None of it._ You hear me, Magnus Lightwood-Bane?”

“I hear you.” Magnus mumbles, feeling suddenly weightless, unmoored. Without guilt, what has he left to feel? But that is a question easily answered. He knows how he survived the first time. He hadn’t realized earlier, when he was speaking of it with Alec, but he knows now. Can feel the answer rushing through him like an inferno.

Spite and rage. He’d ruthlessly refused to let what happened define him, had refused to allow it to ruin the rest of the stupidly long life his father had been sure lay before him. Spite and so much rage his golden eyes used to burn with it. Spite and rage until Ragnor came along and soothed the wounds that were still festering. He might not have let it define him, but that doesn’t mean he dealt with it the way he should have, not for a good few centuries.

“What are you going to do?” Magnus asks, when he can push aside the rush of adrenaline that comes alongside his latest emotions. “It’s not safe in Alicante for Downworlders, Alec.”

“It wasn’t safe in New York for Downworlders before, either. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but we’ll protect the Downworld, Magnus. If Shadowhunters don’t want to give up our bloody past, that’s their choice, but I already made mine. I chose _you, always.”_ Alec replies, his voice unwavering and Magnus can’t explain what it does to his heart.

“I love you.” Magnus whispers back, moving to rest his face on Alec’s chest, closing his eyes.

“I know. I love you, too.” Alec answers, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head. “Go back to sleep, love. You’re safe.”

* * *

When Magnus wakes again, it’s to the sound of birds chirping outside, and it is not Alec that greets him when he opens his eyes, but Cat, lounging beside him, reading a book Magnus can’t quite make out the title of.

“Where’s Alec?” Magnus asks, brow furrowing as he sits up, Cat looks up from her book to smile at him before her eyes return to the words before her.

“Your darling husband is off speaking with the rest of our suddenly, ridiculously large family.” Catarina replies, sounding only slightly distracted. “He refused to leave unless I promised not to leave your side for a single second.” Magnus snorts and rolls his eyes.

“Yes, that’s my Alexander.” He murmurs, looking down at the Lightwood family ring on his finger before he runs his fingers over the glamoured wedded union rune on his hand, a secret he’s even more determined to keep, now that they know not all the Shadowhunters can be trusted.

“Not to sound like a nurse, but how are you feeling?” Cat asks, a playful little smirk on her face when Magnus turns to glare at her.

“That’s not funny.” He mutters, crossing his arms over his chest in a sulk.

“Who is laughing?” she asks, looking up from the book to raise a serious eyebrow. “I’m your healer, Magnus, as well as your friend.”

“I’m… alive. Given my captors promise that wouldn’t remain so, I think… I think I’m doing alright.” Magnus finally answers, isn’t able to really quantify any of what he’s feeling.

“Good.” Cat replies, before changing the subject, drawing Magnus into a debate on the ethics related to necromancy.

* * *

“Alec?” Izzy asks, when they’re all finally gathered together in Lorenzo and Andrew’s living room. “Is Magnus okay?” She questions, everyone gathered in the room giving Alec their full attention, eager to hear any news of their friend.

“No.” Alec answers, his chest suddenly feeling tight as he lets himself feel everything that he’s been holding in. “Magnus was placed under the agony rune.”

“What’s that?” Simons asks, the only one alongside Lorenzo who looks confused, where the rest of them look absolutely gutted.

“The agony rune forces you to relive your worst memories, over and over again.” Maryse explains, her hand clenched tightly in Luke’s own. “It is the chosen form of torture when interrogating Shadowhunter prisoners.”

“What’s happened, Alec?” Jace questions, brow furrowed. “He was under the rune before, when he was in Valentine’s body. He was alright then, uh, for given quantities of alright.”

“He had mental defenses then.” Alec replies, feeling suddenly jittery as he starts pacing back and forward. “When Iris had him, he thinks she destroyed some of his mental defenses, left memories open to be pulled up at random.”

“What the hell happened to my father?” Raphael demands, climbing to his feet, Alec pauses, his mind stuttering as it tries to process Raphael’s words, before he remembers something Magnus had said shortly after their wedding, that he'd decided was odd, but had gone along with anyway, now it suddenly makes sense.

_'So, it’s probably a bit late to mention this, but Raphael will always have a place in any home we make together. It is a promise I made to him a very long time ago.'_

“Magnus asked me to tell you, because he’s not… he doesn’t think he’ll be able to and he’s not… he’s not doing very well. So, you have to give him space.” Alec says, looking at each of his friends, his family in turn.

Lorenzo looks a little green and Alec wonders if Lorenzo has an inkling of what Alec is going to say. Andrew just looks sad, clenching tightly to Lorenzo’s hand, the warlock seemingly oblivious. Clary is curled up in Jace’s lap, a determined look on her face as she stares into the middle distance, Alec knows she’s creating a new rune. Jace is looking at Alec with a thoughtful frown on his face, Alec doesn’t know what his parabatai could possibly be thinking and doesn’t try to figure it out, either. Simon and Izzy both look like they’re ready to go to war, against who, Alec doesn’t know, but _for_ who he definitely knows and is all in favour. Raphael… the former vampire looks like his heart has been torn from his chest and Alec hasn’t even told him the horrific truth, yet. Maryse and Luke are turned to each other, quietly conversing in urgent tones.

“Just spit it out, Lightwood!” Raphael snaps, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring.

“Lightwood-Bane.” Alec corrects on instinct, before swallowing thickly and clearing his throat. “When Magnus was a teenager, he was... he was raped.” Alec says, the words rushing out of him. “It happened centuries ago, but the agony rune made him relive it as if it was happening to him again.” Alec explains, unable to look at any of them as a tense silence immediately falls.

“So, necromancy is a magical art, right?” Simon asks, breaking the silence and turning to Lorenzo.

“Mmm, we’d have to consult Meliorn, since seelie deal more closely with matters of life and death than we do, but yes, it is a magical art.” The warlock replies, sounding like he’s genuinely considering it.

“I’ll let him know.” Izzy says, her voice turned to stone.

“They were Shadowhunters.” Clary points out, holding up her stele. “Guys, I know I might have forgotten to mention this during the various times the world tried to end, but, uh, I brought Valentine back from the dead with a rune… and then I promptly killed him again. So, we don’t need any seelie.”

 _“Clary_!” various voices exclaim, all turning to stare at her in shock and not a little bit of awe.

“Surprise?” Clary exclaims, a little smile on her face, before she turns to Alec. “Draw this on Magnus, I mean, ask his permission first, _obviously_.” Clary tells him, holding up her arm and drawing an intricate rune on the bare flesh.

“What is it?” Alec asks, stepping closer to look.

“Anti-agony.” Clary replies, turning to draw the rune on Jace when Alec’s parabatai immediately holds out his arm. “It’s permanently active.” Clary says, letting Jace’s arm go and scrawling the agony rune on her wrist, beside the anti-agony rune. They all watch in fascination as the agony rune seems to just… slide right off Clary’s skin. “No one will ever be able to hurt him like that again, _ever._ ” Clary promises Alec, her voice become steel.

“Thank you.” Alec mumbles, his throat suddenly tight.

“I’ll be by to visit later.” Raphael announces to them all, before storming out into New York, vibrating with anger. Alec definitely understands that reaction, he’d love to give into his anger, too, but Magnus needs him more than he needs that kind of release.

* * *

Alec doesn’t realize how traumatized he himself is by the events of yesterday until he’s stepping out of Lorenzo’s portal and is bracing himself to hear his husband screaming like he’s being murdered. Instead, he hears Cat and Magnus talking softly in the apothecary and he wilts, tension bleeding away.

“Hey, you.” He greets as he steps into the apothecary, finds his husband and Catarina bent over a large cauldron, grinning at each other. Magnus turns to smile at him, the smile reaches his eyes, but it doesn’t erase the haunted look in them. Alec decided last night, that aside from when they’re both fast asleep, Alec will let Magnus initiate any touch, so he leaves it up to husband whether he gets a welcome home kiss. His husband seems to pick up on this, because he steps forward to press a chaste kiss to his lips.

“Welcome home.”

“I’m happy to be home. What are you making?” Alec questions, as Magnus pulls him back over to the cauldron and Alec looks down into the pinkest concoction he thinks he’s ever seen. “By the Angel, I think I’m blind.” Magnus genuinely laughs at that and Alec’s heart soars.

“This is an old concoction of Ragnor’s.” Magnus answers, starring happily into the pink mixture, before he glances up at Cat, a frown on his face. “He never did get around to naming it properly, did he?”

“Definitely not, no.” Cat answers with a little giggle. “Welcome Alec, to the wonder that is ‘freedom from that which brings great pain and sorrow’.”

“Do you think Ragnor would be annoyed if we named his potion for him?” Magnus asks, a thoughtful frown on his face. “Because I could think of a few thousand better names than that.”

“It was a working title.” Cat points out, and Alec takes a step back, watches the both of them continue to bicker over the name, throwing out their own ideas and each separately considering whether Ragnor would be upset with them for daring to name his creation as they tinker over the eyesore of a potion. They’re at it for so long that Alec wonders if he’ll ever get an explanation for what the potion actually _does._

“Oh, oh, it’s… it’s a potion that makes a person have pleasant dreams and if pleasant dreams aren’t possible, for whatever reason, it ensures a dreamless sleep.” Magnus explains, when Alec finally asks, as Magnus and Cat begin to put the potion into phials. “It’s addictive though, incredibly so. It can only be used once every two weeks for no more than three months. But it lasts two weeks, anyway, so…”

“I see.” Alec replies, staring at the bright pink mixture, relieved that Magnus will be able to sleep through the night but concerned what will happen when Magnus can no longer fall back on the potion.

“How’d everyone take the news?” Magnus asks, looking at Alec as Cat starts to put the phials into Magnus’ potions cabinet.

“Well, Simon confirmed with Lorenzo that necromancy is a magical art, but Lorenzo pointed out they’d need a seelie to help with that, Izzy offered to set them up with Meliorn, and Clary announced that she’s already a Necromancer since apparently she brought Valentine back, briefly, with a rune and then killed him again, so…” Alec explains, grins at the incredulous look that forms on his husband’s face. “Our family love you a ridiculous amount, Magnus.”

“I know.” Magnus replies, but he still looks like he can’t quite believe it.

“One day he’ll figure it out.” Cat assures Alec, patting his arm. “He’s just a bit clueless.”

“I resent that.” Magnus mutters, scowling at his friend, before turning back to his husband. “What about everyone else?”

“Well, Raphael’s incredibly angry. I didn’t realize he’s your _son,_ by the way. But he said he’ll be around to see you at some point.”

“Right. Sorry about that.” Magnus answers, a sheepish grin on his face, Alec snorts and rolls his eyes.

“Hmm, Clary has created an Anti-agony rune for me to draw on you.” Alec says, holding out his arm and pulling his sleeve back to show the new rune drawn on his wrist. “It’s permanently active and we watched Clary demonstrate it, the agony rune just… slides right off your skin.”

“Oh.” Magnus exclaims, stepping forward to grab Alec’s arm gently in his hand and trace his fingers over the rune. “Oh.”

“Do you want it?” Alec asks, sharing a quick look with Cat, whose eyes are shining.

“Maybe when we go to bed tonight?” Magnus queries, shuffling uncertainly on his feet.

“Whenever you want, Magnus.” Alec promises before swiftly changing the topic, bringing it back on track. “Mum’s apparently reawakened her maternal drive and has announced that she will ensure we don’t starve locked up in our loft. She’s at least the best cook of the family, so I mean, take that with a grain of salt.”

“I don’t know if anyone can be worse than Isabelle, so…” Magnus admits, shudders at the memory of Isabelle’s cooking, Alec snorts.

“You didn’t have to grow up with it.” He says, making such a face. “Luke and Andrew have named themselves your body-guards, even though I tried to explain to Andrew that’s he’s Head of Security for the _New York Institute_ , not the High Warlock of Alicante, and that the High Warlock of Brooklyn can't actually permanently move his abode to Alicante. But he wouldn’t have any of it, and even though I attempted to remind Luke that technically mum is still not allowed in Alicante so he can’t just move them permanently here...”

“I love this stupid family.” Magnus proclaims, his voice breaking as he turns to hide his face in Alec’s chest, Alec laughs and wraps him up in his arms.

“Clary announced before I left that ‘Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten’ which for some reason caused Simon’s entire stupid face to light up like a Christmas tree.” Alec says, while Cat bursts into giggles. “Yeah, that. I don’t get it. Why’s it funny? Why’s it cute? I mean, it’s accurate, but… I’m so confused.”

“Next time you babysit Madz, you’re gonna have to watch Lilo and Stich. I’m sorry, I do not make the rules.” Cat answers, still laughing. “How about you install Downtime TV’s in the Institutes across the world, so the whole lot of you can catch up on Pop Culture?”

_“What?”_

“Oh, Alec. Magnus, I wish you luck.” Cat says, shaking her head as she forms a portal. “Call me if you need absolutely _anything._ ” She tells them, before stepping through and being whisked away.

“What’s Lili and Stitch?” Alec asks, looking at his husband, who snorts.

“Perfection.” He replies, with a little smile, humming a tune Alec doesn’t recognize as he pulls Alec out of the apothecary.

* * *

Alec spends the rest of the day watching Magnus, waiting for a sign of the emotions he knows must be running thin under Magnus’ masks, because his own emotions threaten to overwhelm him. Magnus puts on such a good show for everyone, even him, but it’s bitten Alec more times than he can count, so now he watches, waits, is ready to swoop in and pick up the pieces and Magnus… doesn’t disappoint.


	3. Expectations Go To Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone know how to make asthma go away forever? Because that'd be great. No daily medication, just like one cure and it's gone, for good! I NEED TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE!

It’s the little things Alec notices over the course of the day, the look in Magnus’ eyes whenever he sees the anti-agony rune on Alec’s arm. The way Magnus’ seems to retreat if Alec mentions the alliance rune or any other rune that might one day adorn Magnus’ skin, Alec’s sure Magnus doesn’t even know he does it. The way that Magnus won’t use his magic for _anything_ even though he’s been using magic as much as he possibly can since he got it back, now he won’t use it.

It’s little things over the course of the day, the way Magnus will stop whatever he is doing and look for him, checking to make sure he’s still there. The way Magnus will sometimes just stop and stare into the middle distance, before seeming to wrench himself out of his thoughts and carry on, even though he’s shaking so much Alec wonders how he’s not falling apart. The way Magnus seems to just shut right down the one and only time Alec suggests they go for a walk.

It’s the little things that let Alec know that no matter what Magnus might say or might try to project for him, he’s not okay. Alec just wishes Magnus knew that it was okay to _not_ be okay sometimes.

* * *

Alec’s dozing on the couch when he’s suddenly woken by an agonized cry and he sits up immediately, looking for Magnus. He finds his husband standing at the doors to the balcony, his hands clenched tightly in his hair and magic swirling angrily around him. Alec’s breath catches as he slowly pushes himself up off the couch.

“Magnus?” he calls, isn’t sure if his husband even hears him.

“Why?” Magnus demands, turning to look at Alec, his golden eyes full of so much anger and despair, Alec’s not sure if Magnus truly sees him. “Every time!”

“Love, what are you talking about?” Alec questions, inching closer and closer to his husband, until the magic whips his hair across his face, and he can feel the force of it trying to push him back, keep him away.

“Every time I’m happy, something comes along to destroy it!” Magnus yells, and Alec brings his arms up to protect his face when the glass all around them shatters, turning to grains of sand upon impact with the swirling vortex around Magnus, but cutting through Alec’s skin in a shower of vicious shards. Alec hisses, and when he’s sure there won’t be anymore glass, he draws his iratze and steps closer to his husband again, just as the magic stops swirling, becomes still and Alec realizes it is about to lash out at him, so he stops, and instead watches it ripple angrily, before returning to swirling protectively around his husband. Magnus isn’t in control of any of this.

“Magnus. You have to come back to me.” Alec pleads, truly uncertain whether the magical barrier allows his voice to carry, or if it blocks out the sound as well as keeping him away.

“It’s not fair!” Magnus shrieks, the magic rising up in tune with the volume of his voice. “Why don’t I get to be happy?” the warlock asks, doubling over, his hands hugging his stomach as he cries. “Why?” he demands, falling to his knees, then onto his side, curling into a ball and sobbing. Alec sits outside the magical barrier, his heart breaking in his chest, even as he knows he cannot do anything. Cannot take Magnus’ pain away, cannot break through the magical barrier, cannot undo anything that has happened. So, he waits, sitting outside the barrier and talking endlessly to his husband, even though he doesn’t know if his husband can even hear him.

When the barrier finally falls, after what has to be hours since it has gone dark outside and Alec’s voice long ago became little more than a rasp, Alec scrambles forward to pull Magnus into his arms, cradling his sleeping husband against him, promising over and over and over again that no one will ever hurt him again. He stays like that for a little while, before finding the strength to pick them both up and carry his husband to bed.

* * *

Magnus doesn’t wake in the morning, Alec’s worry only grows, until midday when he calls Cat in. She steps out of the portal into the living room, takes one look around the room and sighs.

“Fuck.” She mutters under her breath, before restoring the windows and banishing the shards and the sand that remains. “He’s fine, Alec.” Cat tells him, before she’s even been lead to the bedroom to examine Magnus. “Magical Upheaval is… truly one of the most exhausting things in existence.” She assures, but for Alec’s piece of mind, she sits on the end of the bed and lets her magic run over her friend. “He’s fine. When he wakes up, try and get him to eat as much food as you can, since his magic will need to replenish.”

“So, he’s just tired?” Alec questions, brushing Magnus’ hair out of the warlock’s face.

“It’s just magical exhaustion.” Cat promises, forming herself a portal. “He’ll probably be lethargic for awhile after her wakes.” She warns before stepping into her portal and leaving the pair of them alone. Alec stares after her for a moment, before he curls around Magnus and closes his eyes, willing sleep to claim him.

* * *

Magnus wakes up feeling grumpy and tired, his entire body feels like lead and it takes a while for him to force his eyes open, when he does, he’s surprised to find the room becoming dark, and he looks out of the windows to find the sun going down. His brow furrows as he tries to remember what happened, then his heart is suddenly in his throat.

“Alec?” he mumbles, turning his head and finding his husband’s side of the bed empty and his heart rate skyrockets. “Alexander?” he calls, louder this time, looking to the doorway when Alec suddenly appears there, looking exhausted, but considering Magnus remembers _attacking_ him with magic, he’s doing pretty alright. “Are you okay?” Magnus demands, scrambling out of the bed, his body feeling far, far too heavy for this.

“I’m fine.” Alec replies, with a gentle smile, grabbing hold of Magnus when his legs collapse underneath him in his haste. Magnus clings tightly to the Shadowhunter and looks intently into his eyes, looking for any sign that Alec is just saying he’s fine to appease Magnus, but he only finds truth. “Magnus, I’m fine, I swear.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Still not your fault. Cat says I have to shove food into you, so, you should come have a look at the living room.” Alec tells him, letting go when Magnus is sure he can stand on his own. “Come on.” His husband says, turning and heading back out. Magnus frowns after him, before looking around their room, then following.

Magnus pauses at the threshold, where the hallway meets the kitchen and living area and just stares. It’s like a bunch of restaurants exploded in the loft. Anything he could possibly want is here and he stares at it in surprise, before his stomach rumbles and he immediately makes a beeline for the Chinese take-out and he loses track of what happens after that.

It’s not until he is shoving away Tikka Masala, with a sick ‘I’ve eaten too much’ look on his face that he becomes fully aware of his surroundings again, finds Alec sitting on the couch reading through what looks like documents for work. Magnus frowns and goes to sit down beside him, no longer feeling ravenous and no longer feeling like his body is made out of stone.

“You weren’t that hungry after Edom.” Alec points out, glancing up from his work, before looking straight back down at it.

“I wasn’t magically exhausted. I’ve rarely let myself reach the point where I blackout-eat.” Magnus answers, feeling his cheeks heat with embarrassment. “It’s one of the first things my father taught me to avoid. Sorry I kind of lost it?”

“I swear I will go and get Meliorn and draw the alliance rune!” Alec threatens, putting his work aside to stare at him. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know but it feels like it is.” Magnus replies, looking down at his hands.

“Something happened with your magic, right? That’s why you won’t call it?” Alec questions, after they’ve fallen into silence for what Magnus thinks might have been at least a few minutes.

“They tortured me with my own magic, before the agony rune.” Magnus explains, breathing in deeply and calling magic into his left hand, watches the blue flame dance across his skin. “It’s… I’ll get over it, it just feels like… like…” he trails off, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head.

“It feels like betrayal.” Alec answers, and Magnus nods his head, leaning into Alec’s side.

“Magic isn’t sentient, it doesn’t _feel_ or _think._ Magic _is_ and it _reacts._ But there is no thought involved. We think for magic, we feel for magic, magic responds to what we think, what we feel, and when we can’t control what we think or what we feel, magic reacts to that lack of control, that chaos.” He explains, watching his magic caress his hand and his wrist. “It feels like betrayal because it was _my magic_ , but Clary’s rune gave them control over it and I had none.”

“Why didn’t… why didn’t your magic protect you? Like it did yesterday?” Alec asks with a frown, that’s mirrored by Magnus’ own.

“Yesterday?” he queries, more confused than he wants to admit, since yesterday is when his life changed.

“You’ve been sleeping since around dinner yesterday, Magnus.” Alec points out, and Magnus groans at him.

“Magical Upheaval, Right, of course I have been.” He replies, with a scowl. “Anyway, warlocks can’t channel their magic, consciously or unconsciously, without their hands being free, Alexander. If you ever wanted to ensure a warlock could never, _ever_ call upon their magic for the rest of their life, you’d cut their hands off.” Magnus explains, refrains from mentioning that it’s a tactic Shadowhunters took to using in the fourteenth century that didn’t stop until the Accords. “It doesn’t stop them from being immortal, if they survive, and it doesn't stop their magic from building within them, of course. They’ll always feel it lurking beneath their skin, but they’d have no ability to call it. It’ll just say there, forever, until it becomes dormant.” He continues, again refraining from mentioning the darkest of magics other warlocks had used over the centuries to attempt to give their brethren back either their hands or another way to harness their magic.

“That’s horrendous.” Alec exclaims, truly horrified and Magnus knows there is a reason he is married to this man, when so many Shadowhunters would consider it a warlock’s just deserts.

“Quite.” Magnus replies, closing his eyes as he dispels the magic on his hand. “I’m sorry if I scared you yesterday. **_I know_** … I know it’s not my fault,” he says, holding his hand up and opening his eyes to stare at his husband, before the Shadowhunter can argue. “but I _am_ sorry _._ It’s never pretty being on either side of magical upheaval, so I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“What caused it?” Alec asks, finally wrapping his arm around Magnus, who takes a breath in at the contact, but doesn’t flinch or pull away, so Magnus considers that progress.

“Uh, you know, if you shove your emotions down as far as you can, eventually they shove you back.” He answers, shrugging his shoulders. “Probably would have just been a lot of screaming and throwing things if I wasn’t magical, but because I am…”

“Because you’re still dramatic as hell, even when having a break down? I see.” Alec replies, and Magnus laughs, poking him in the stomach.

“That’s mean.” Magnus whines, but his husband just grins. “I know I’ve just spent a stupid amount of time sleeping but… take me to bed, husband!” Magnus demands, wrapping his arms around Alec’s neck.

“Are you sure?” Alec asks, causing Magnus to pull back and frown at him in confusion, before suddenly understanding and stamping down on the panic that threatens to rise at just the mere thought of…

“To cuddle and sleep!” he states, isn’t sure if he sounds as frantic to Alec’s ears as he does to his own. Then he remembers that they’re married now and marriage comes with certain… rights. “Unless…” he starts to say, hesitating when he sees the fury that suddenly blooms in Alec’s eyes, but he manages not to pull away, even though everything in him screams that he has to get away from Alec and his anger.

“ _No._ No ‘unless!’” Alec tells him, his voice like granite and this time Magnus can’t help but flinch, though he notes the way Alec’s face immediately softens. “No ‘unless’, Magnus. If all you want to do is cuddle and sleep, then we cuddle and sleep. There is no ‘unless’.”

“But we’re married. You have a right to-“ Magnus argues, even though he would never hold Alec by it, he knows Alec has a right to it.

“Nothing.” Alec exclaims, cutting him off, sounding so horrified Magnus’ heart swells, even as his face crumples in confusion.

“But-“

“Magnus, love, I know you’ve been around a long time and you probably haven’t paid all that much attention to marriage and marital rights, as they’ve changed over the years, because you weren’t married. But these days it’s generally agreed that non-consensual sex, even and _especially_ within the confines of a marriage bed, is a big fat no-no.” Alec exclaims, his voice shaking. “Please, for the love of all that is good, _please_ tell me that you’ve _never_ let me take advantage of you?”

“No, no, never.” Magnus assures him, his thoughts suddenly a chaotic mess. “I… there’s… really?” he asks, tries to make sense of his thoughts so he can give voice to them, but he can’t. “There’s really no obligation?”

“No! There’s really no obligation. By the Angel, please tell me you haven’t spent the last few months fearing I might one day try to force myself on you and that you’d just… you’d just have to go along with it, because it was… because it was my _right_?” Alec demands, Magnus is horrified to note that Alec is shaking.

“No, I just knew that one day it might be… it might come up.” Magnus answers, suddenly ashamed. He knows Alec would _never_ take advantage of him like that, but it had been a thought in the back of his mind since he realized long before they married that he wanted Alec to be his. “I know you’d _never_ , Alec, but if you wanted it and I didn’t, I thought... Oh, please don’t cry. I’m such an idiot.” Magnus exclaims, as tears fall from Alec’s eyes, and his Shadowhunter buries his head in his hands.  

“No.” Alec answers, his voice choked. “You’re not an idiot, our communication just continues to need work.” He says, before sucking in a deep breath and looking up at Magnus, determination and stubbornness in his eyes. “Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t expect sex from you, I never have and I never will. If you never want to have sex with me again, I’ll probably be disappointed, but I’ll get over it. I won’t go sleeping around behind your back, either. I didn’t marry you because the sex is amazing, I mean, it is, but I married you because I love _you,_ not the sex. And just because we’re married now doesn’t mean I have a right to demand sex from you when you don’t want it. If I ever do, you knock my ass out with magic and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, because clearly I wouldn’t be in my right mind.”

“I understand.” Magnus whispers suddenly choked with how much he loves this man and how much he loves him back. “We’re going to have to discuss modern marriages now, aren’t we?”

“ _Oh, fuck yeah_!” Alec confirms, giving a breathless, disbelieving little laugh. “Normally, the terms and conditions are something you should discuss _before_ marriage, not _after._ But we seem to struggle to do things in order.”

“Fine. Take me to bed so we can cuddle and talk.” Magnus pouts, wrapping his arms around Alec’s neck again. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles, pressing a gentle kiss against Alec’s neck. “This one is definitely my fault and you’re not convincing me different.”

“Oh, no, this is definitely on the _both_ of us.” Alec argues, wrapping his arms tightly around Magnus and standing up, Magnus wrapping his legs around Alec’s middle as he does. “Come along, husband, it seems I’m finally in a position to explain the facts of life to you.”

“I’m all ears.” Magnus replies, rolling his eyes as Alec carries him off to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, when Magnus was young enough to give a shit about marriage (before he truly realized he was immortal) marriage came with an expectation of sex, not that he'd have ever held his spouse to that, he just knew it was a right that existed. He hasn't bothered to pay any attention to how marriage has changed over the years and probably still thinks most people are in arranged marriages, which is why he's upset but not horrified about Alec's arranged marriage with Lydia (we all know it would have been arranged even if Lydia and Alec didn't take the initiative to get engaged first).


	4. An Eye For An Eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is dark guys. Honestly. Note the new tag: Self Harm.
> 
> I can't remember if the show gave Magnus an age, but I always make Magnus 800. Book Canon has him at like 400.
> 
> My heart hurts. And I'm off to bed since it's past midnight and do actually have a job to go to in a few hours...

The first night Magnus uses Freedom, the chosen name for Ragnor’s too, too pink concoction, Alec discovers how odd it must be for Magnus to sleep beside him when he’s under his Sleep Runes. Unlike the potion, the runes don’t control his dreams or keep him from dreaming they simply ensure that he will sleep, no matter what, unless the Dreamless rune is drawn. Apparently, a side effect of Freedom is that it knocks you the hell out, because about five minutes after Magnus takes it, he’s out cold and totally unresponsive to Alec, his head glowing very faintly, his face emotionless.

Alec curls up against his husband, his mind still caught up in the discussion they’d had before Magnus became too tired for them to continue. For all that they prided themselves on being on the same page in their marriage, the truth of the matter is that they each entered the marriage with vastly different understandings of what marriage meant. Alec entered with modern notions and expectations, where Magnus entered with notions and expectations that were prevalent in his youth, eight hundred years ago.

The biggest stumbling block, and one Alec is thankful came up this early in the marriage, was the expectation and obligation of sex. When Magnus was young, marriage came with the expectation of sex and an obligation on any unwilling party, traditionally the woman, to go along with it. Which is partly how he understands the ‘lie back and think of England’ phrase came from, the phrase Clary once warped and threw in his face as ‘Guess I’ll lie back and think of the Clave, right?’, when he made an ill thought decision earlier in their acquaintance that benefited no one but the Clave. Of course, now that Alec understands exactly what Clary had been implying, he feels a sense of annoyance that quickly flows away.

Before Magnus, he’d have done anything for the Clave, for his parents, because he didn’t know better. Had grown up shouldering the expectations because he was the eldest. Stepping between his parents and Izzy, Jace, and later even Max, because he was the eldest, and they shouldn’t have to carry the burdens he did. There were a lot of things he did for the Clave that if he’d know he _truly_ had a choice, he wouldn’t have done. But he didn’t know that until he chose Magnus. Didn’t realize that the Clave’s way was not the only way and he didn’t always have to toe the line.

Because of his single-minded dedication to the Clave, he can understand why Magnus felt he should adhere with something he didn’t realize was no longer an expectation, no longer an obligation. The pair of them are so utterly devoted to each other, Alec can understand where Magnus is coming from but he _hates_ it all the same.

He’s calling Andrew before he’s even really conscious of it.

 “Alec? You guys all good?” Andrew questions, when he finally answers, he sounds distracted and Alec wonders if he should feel guilty for interrupting him.

“I… don’t know. You’re still planning to propose to Lorenzo, right?” he asks, glancing at his sleeping husband, who is unnaturally still, Alec didn’t realize how unnerving he’d find it. Of the two of them, Magnus is the wriggler, once he’s gone deep enough into sleep, he tosses and turns to an almost obnoxious degree. It used to drive Alec to madness, but he had practice with that from Izzy, when they were younger, and they and Jace used to crawl into bed together after a long hunt, holding each other close to confirm that three had come back. Magnus, like Izzy, is adept at trying to kick him right out of bed.

“Yeah.” Andrew answers, pulling Alec from his thoughts, Alec huffs. “Alec?”

“Just… just make sure _when_ he agrees, that you’re both on the same page about what marriage entails.” Alec cautions, rubbing his face.

“What’s there not to understand about marriage?” Andrew asks, incredulous, Alec snorts.

“More than you’d think. Magnus and I just had to have a conversation about the fact he’s under absolutely _no_ obligation to provide sex, even if we’re married.” Alec answers, sounding disbelieving to his own ears.

“ _What?”_

“Yeah! So, you might want to make sure Lorenzo isn’t labouring under the same misconception about marriage!”

“That’s fucked up, Alec!”

“Trust me, _I know_.” Alec agrees, shaking his head.

“Is he okay?” Andrew asks, after a moment of silence, Alec breathes in deeply and lets it out on a sigh, looking up to the ceiling for strength or guidance, he’s not really sure which anymore.

“I don’t really know. He’s under a kind of dreamless sleep potion at the moment, for the nightmares, so…” Alec replies, shrugging his shoulders, knows his friend can’t see him, but it doesn’t stop the gesture.

“Lorenzo wants you guys to leave.” Andrew tells him, clearly hesitant. “Well, he wants Magnus to leave. He says you’re free to stay in Alicante and risk your life if you want, but all it would take to kill Magnus is for someone to activate the anti-demon protections and Magnus would be a pile of ashes in seconds. I tried to explain that the anti-demon protections were fully disabled but… he’s worried, Alec.”

 _“I’m worried!_ ” Alec exclaims, incredulous. “He’s got a point, though. If Shadowhunters could figure out the correct rune work for anti-demon protections once in order to make them, a group of Rogue Shadowhunters can do it, too, and if they ever get their hands on Clary…”

“Clary would never help them, especially not now.” Andrew argues, but Alec snorts.

“Not if she was in her right mind, no, but we all know everyone has a limit, Underhill.”

“Yeah…” Andrew answers, sounding distracted, Alec frowns.

“What now?”

“Lorenzo has asked that I _never_ draw the Agony rune ever again.” Andrew says, sighing heavily and Alec suddenly hears how tired his friend is. What happened to Magnus is affecting them all in some way.

“Did he say why?”

“He called it an _abomination_.”

“Magnus called it the worst thing in existence.” Alec admits, tiredly rubbing his face again.

“Lorenzo said there are spells Warlocks can use to dig for memories a person doesn’t want to give, like what Iris did to Magnus, but that even in those situations, the person the spell is used on can fight against it, magic or no magic. The Agony rune has no defense, except Clary’s rune, and that can’t be drawn on regular Downworlders, because it will fade with the Alliance Rune.” Andrew explains, as Alec closes his eyes and rests his head against the headboard. “The Alliance Rune is a brilliant rune, but it’s opened the Downworld up to a whole different type of torture, Alec. If word gets out that Shadowhunters can force Downworlders to relive their worst memories over and over again, there’ll be a rebellion, no matter how far we’ve come with them.”

“Jia would have to agree to outlaw the rune, and even that won’t stop the Rogues, Andrew, you know that.” Alec points out, shaking his head. “I’m going to have to ask Clary if she can create some sort of permanent Anti-agony rune for Downworlders.”

“I’ll talk to her; you focus on Magnus.” Andrew replies, as Alec fights a yawn.

“Yeah.” He mumbles, rubbing at his eyes, suddenly feeling the exhaustion of the last few days catching him up and he pulls his shirt up to find his Wakeful rune has deactivated.

“Go to sleep, Alec. I’ll talk to Clary _and_ Lorenzo. Thanks for the heads up.” Andrew tells him, ending the call and letting Alec curl up beside his husband to rest. He’s surprised when sleep is so quick to claim him.

* * *

Magnus wakes from a restful sleep to find that it’s just going to be one of _those_ days. Feels so unmoored he doesn’t know what he wants to do with himself, but he knows what he should do. He huffs and rubs at his eyes, drags himself out of bed after checking to see that Alec is still sleeping.

He climbs into the shower, lets the warm water rush over his skin and he breathes in deeply, closing his eyes as he slowly slips down the shower wall to sit himself on the floor, pulling his knees up and hugging them tightly. With a sigh he rests his head on his knees and just breathes, lets the water pelt against his skin, carrying away his woes.

In times past, it was believed that fire and water were the best elements to cleanse dark magic and corruption. The ancients of their kind would perform some of the darkest arts then bathe themselves in a flowing river for hours, days, sometimes weeks, until they felt they’d been cleansed of the dark taint. Others would walk through fire. If blood magic was involved, sometimes they’d shove their entire arms into flame until the skin bubbled and melted and the blackness seeped from their blood until it ran red once more. Others would hold their arms under running water until their blood ran red and the water ran clear. Magnus himself _once_ delved into the Darkest Arts, experienced what it was to feel a taint growing within him that could only be cleansed by washing or burning it away.

These days, warlocks tend not to delve into the darkest arts, simple cleansing spells are sufficient to clean the taint, and if not, most warlocks know to throw themselves into the shower for at least an hour until they feel refreshed. Magnus wonders if he pricked his hand if his blood would run black, he doesn’t think it would, the agony rune is, at its base, angelic, for all the torment it causes...

_Wait._

But then, the magic that created Lilith was angelic at its base, as well, warped and so twisted as to almost be unrecognizable, but _still_ angelic. Magnus glances down at the agony rune, where it still adorns his wrist, and wonders. There is no reason for this rune to be permanent, unless it is festering, lingering just long enough to leave behind something foul in his skin and his blood that he will never get rid of if left.  

Magnus frowns, holds his hand up and summons a beautiful athame, once given to him by Ragnor a long time ago. Magnus barely gives a thought to his actions as he slices the blade across the rune, is genuinely shocked when black blood rushes up from the wound. He lets out a hysteric, disbelieving laugh and holds his wrist out under the running water, wonders how long it will take until his blood runs red as the tainted blood dribbles down his arm and turns the tray beneath him an eerie black.

Oh, how the Angels have fallen.

* * *

That’s how Alec finds him, tucked up in the shower, black blood running all around him, but he doesn’t realize until his husband speaks.

“Oh, God, Magnus.” Alec exclaims, sounding like he might be sick.

“It’s truly not what you’re thinking.” Magnus exclaims looking up at his husband, wonders how long he’s been sitting here, watching, waiting for his blood to cleanse.

“It looks like you’ve cut your fucking arm open. Why is your blood like that?” Alec demands, visibly refraining from climbing into the shower and blocking Magnus’ only means of escape, aside from a portal, of course.

“Dark magic leaves a taint behind, Alec. A poison. You have to get it out before it stains you, forever.” Magnus explains, turning his attention back to his wrist, as slowly the black begins to fade into a dark brown. “I wondered why the Agony rune lingered, there’s no reason for it to, it doesn’t serve a purpose to be a permanent rune.”

“The Agony rune is causing _that_?” Alec demands, dropping to his knees outside the shower and leaning against the shower door, his skin paling drastically.

“I was shocked, too. But it was angelic magic that created the first Demon, Alexander. So, angels, and therefore Shadowhunters, are just as capable of the darkest magics.”

“It looks like Ichor.” Alec points out, more than a little horrified to see his husband’s blood looking so like that of a demon.

“What do you think happened to Lilith?” Magnus questions, amused. “Her blood was once as red as yours or mine, but when she was cursed, her blood became as black as pitch. The curse festered in her, tainted her soul and poisoned her blood, ruined her.”

“Could this make you a demon, if you’d left it?” Alec demands, staring transfixed as the brown bleeds out into bright red and Magnus breathes a sigh of relief, letting the water continue to wash away the blood for a few more moments, before pressing his hand over the wound and healing it, pleased to find the Agony rune has all but vanished from his skin.

“No. The rune isn’t strong enough for that in so small a dose, oh, it’s strong, believe me, but not enough for that. You’d have to draw the Agony rune every day for at least a couple of months, maybe even a few years, before the taint would grow strong enough to turn someone into a demon. I’m curious what’s become of Shadowhunters who have withstood the rune.” Magnus points out, banishing the athame and moving to stand, Alec scrambling to stand with him. Magnus grins as his Shadowhunter holds out a towel for him to step into.

“Shadowhunters placed under the Agony rune are normally sentenced to Death Row. I don’t think anyone has endured the rune and been set free. Of course, Valentine escaped, but he died, probably before we could see any fall out.” Alec points out, stepping back to allow Magnus to dry himself and then summon clothing for the day. “If you cancel the rune before it’s run its course, you risk locking the person into their memories, until the only merciful thing is to kill them.”

“Oh, now, see _that_ would satisfy the requirements for a demon, definitely.” Magnus says, throwing the towel into the wash basket and reaching out to grab Alec’s hand, gently pulling him from the bathroom. “Of course, you’d have to leave them floundering for weeks on end before they’d endure a transformation, but that’s neither here nor there.”

“Why do we have this rune?” Alec asks, vice barely a whisper.

“That’s a question you’ll need to ask Raziel, as I couldn’t tell you, Alec.” Magnus answers, holding out his freshly healed arm to his husband, who frowns at him in confusion. “Draw Clary’s rune. I refuse to let anyone taint me that way again.”

“Right.” Alec agrees, sighing heavily and pulling his stele from his pocket, he carefully holds Magnus’ wrist in one hand and draws the rune with the other, apologizing quickly when Magnus flinches and tries to pull away. “There you go.” Alec says, letting his lover go swiftly the moment he’s finished.

“Thank you.” Magnus mumbles, rubbing his fingers over the rune, his magic glinting as he assesses it, but only feels fierce protection in the magic of the rune, unlike the Agony rune which is full of so much malice it masked the true danger lurking beneath. “Clary is a miracle.”

“Yeah, she is.” Alec replies, pressing his hand over his own Anti-agony rune. “I have to talk to Jia, we can’t… the Agony rune is…”

“It’s some of the foulest magic I’ve ever encountered in my life and I _have_ performed necromancy.” Magnus points out, smirking at the look of shock on Alec’s face. “Darling, I’ve lived a very full life, and you never asked what happened to the fucker who… well, anyway, he’s probably still suffering, now that I think about it.” he admits, a dark smile pulling at his lips.

“What… what did you do to him?”

“Well, when I got free of him, I was almost catatonic, my magic reacted very badly to the suddenly chaotic state of my mind and he was quite viciously torn to shreds." Magnus says, matter-of-factly. "It wasn’t until years later that I decided that wasn’t enough. My father taught me all manner of things, you understand? I was taught that rape is a violation of the soul, so I violated the soul of the bastard who hurt me. I tore his soul out of the afterlife, reconstructed his body with magic and bound the two together, then I used magic to determine the deepest part of the ocean, it took quite a few years, but by that point I’d already tied his soul to the very core of the Earth, so I had time to kill. I discovered a wonderful trench that would later be discovered by mundanes and named the Marianas Trench. I chained him to an iron ball and threw him over. Of course, I then had to go and almost drown myself in a river for three weeks, to get the taint out, but it was… more satisfying than I can explain, and I don’t regret it.” Magnus answers, feels a rush of satisfaction just thinking about the revenge he enacted and the fact his attacker is probably still suffering a thousand, thousand drownings at the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

“How could he still be alive?” Alec questions, his brow furrowed.

“Necromancy is one of the darkest forms of magic. Seelie are far more adept at necromancy than warlocks ever will be, because their magic is tied intimately with life and death, where they could probably almost perfectly bring something back from the dead, we bring back a wraith. When you call a soul back from the realms of the dead, you play God, Alexander. In binding his body and soul together, then tethering his soul to the Core of the Earth, and consigning his body to the depths of the oceans, I ensured he’ll never rest. So, long as the Earth continues to exist, so will he. He’s not _alive_ in the sense you and I are alive. He’s a trapped soul, forever tormented. It’s probably the darkest thing I’ve ever done and will ever do. Nothing I did under the guidance of my father could ever possibly compare.” Magnus answers, but even saying those words, he can’t regret what he did, not even now, when he knows better. Knows he should feel something other than vicious satisfaction, but he doesn’t and refuses to beat himself up over it.

“They deserved it.” Alec replies, Magnus is startled to hear his own satisfaction reflected in his husband’s voice. His husband who once lived for the Law and everything it stood for.

“I never knew his name and I have sentenced him to eternal torment. He was a mundane, Alec.” He points out, doesn’t know why, doesn’t know why he wants Alec to judge him for this, when he refuses to feel guilty for it, but he feels… strange. His law-abiding husband shouldn’t be on his side in this, but Alec _is_ and it baffles him.

“He shouldn’t have touched you without permission.” Alec answers, shrugging his shoulders. “You killed him in self-defense, and anything you did to him after the fact was… well it was before the Accords and if the Shadowhunters of the day didn’t track you down, I’ll just assume there’s a statue of limitations, if there’s not, I’ll petition to have one included in the next Accords signing.” Alec tells him, as if that’s all there is to it. The Law doesn’t currently protect him? Change the Law.

“Did I corrupt you?” Magnus asks, with a bitter little laugh. “The Alec Lightwood I met all those months ago would have seen me thrown in the Gard for this.”

“Yeah, well, Alec Lightwood needed to loosen up a bit and figure out what really mattered in life. Alec Lightwood-Bane knows exactly what matters to him and would burn the entire fucking Clave to the ground for his husband.” Alec declares, his voice full of so much promise and truth that it takes Magnus’ breath away. “I chose you. I will always choose you. Fuck the Clave, Magnus. Fuck the Accords. And fuck the Law. It’s selfish of me, but I’d dismantle all of it if it ever became a genuine threat to you and I’m sure I’ll have help doing so. I told you in Edom, I’m never leaving you. If they want to throw you in the Gard for something that happened centuries ago, I’m going with you, but I like to earn my sanctions.”

“I’m not worth any of that.” Magnus argues, crossing his arms over his chest, tries to ignore the way his heart keeps fluttering, the way his eyes burn.

“You’re worth everything.” Alec promises, sounding so certain. “Besides, it’s not like anyone can prove there’s a resurrected mundane currently drowning for eternity at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. I’d like to see anyone present enough proof of your supposed crime to be sufficient to send you to the Gard. I _am_ the High Inquisitor, you know? They’d have to satisfy me and that’ll never happen. And if I have to recuse myself, they have to satisfy Jia, who knows exactly what it would mean to send the first High Warlock of Alicante to the Gard without sufficient evidence. So, Alec Lightwood could have _tried_ to see you thrown in the Gard, but he’d have been a fucking fool to try and it would have been the biggest mistake of his life.”

Magnus laughs, a ridiculous noise that sounds more like his heart is trying to escape from his chest, than any actual mirth. He buries his head in his hands and lets the emotions come, the terrifying, hysteric laughter mixed through with breathless sobs. It’s not until he’s gasping in hiccupping breaths, trying to get control of himself that he sees how Alec is visibly holding himself back, and he giggles, a horrible, wretched sound.

“I’m not going to shatter into a million pieces if you touch me without warning first, Alec.” He snaps, suddenly annoyed. “I’m not made of glass!” which is perhaps the most dishonest thing he’s ever said, since he feels like he’s been _broken,_ torn into shreds, just a thousand pieces of who he once was, each trying to sew themselves back together, but unable to remember just where they fit before.

When Alec’s arms wrap around him, he tenses up for just a second, before collapsing against his husband, in relief and in despair. He feels so volatile that he wonders if he should have stayed under the water longer, wonders if he got all the taint out, wonders if he removed it fast enough. He wonders how his magic isn’t whipping around them in terrifying waves, but he doesn’t dwell on that for long, lest his magic respond. Instead he just lets himself be held, let’s Alec’s voice sooth him, lets Alec’s love for him wrap all around him. The one constant when he’s so uncertain of everything else.

“I love you.” He mumbles, suddenly finding his voice in all the chaos.

“I know.” Alec replies, and gently runs his fingers through Magnus’ hair. “All I have for you is love that knows no bounds.” His beautiful, too perfect, utterly amazing husband promises and Magnus closes his eyes, breathes in deep and lets himself be loved.


	5. Discussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like, my laptop charger had the audacity to explode the other day?! Like excuse me? Who gave you the right?
> 
> I'm so tired. It's like 1am but apparently I can't write at NORMAL HOURS like NORMAL PEOPLE -_-

The first person to invade their sanctuary is Raphael, whose presence is announced with a gentle chime sounding through the loft, something Magnus had set up when Alec moved in and Magnus couldn’t magically add him to the notification part of the warding. Magnus, of course, knows it’s Raphael the moment his son crosses the ward, because the wards inform Magnus of this, Alec, on the other hand, only knows someone friendly is here.

Magnus sits up on the couch to frown at the front door, waiting for Raphael’s knock, but when nothing comes even after ten minutes, and the wards are still gently letting him know his son is on the doorstep he huffs. Throwing Alec an aggrieved look, before he climbs to his feet, crosses to the door and pulls it open. He crosses his arms over his chest and raises an eyebrow when he finds Raphael pacing back and forward outside the door.

“Do you know how annoying that is?” Magnus asks, because the notification in the back of his mind is possibly the most obnoxious thing when stuck on repeat. Raphael all but leaps into the air in surprise, causing Magnus to frown, before he quickly remembers that Raphael no longer has any of his vampire senses. His son is utterly and completely mundane.

_Mortal._

His breath catches and he sways in place, feeling suddenly lightheaded the way he always feels when he remembers that his son is mortal now. When he remembers that one day, sometime in the future, he’s going to have to put his son in the ground and leave him there to rot. When he remembers that there will come a day when he will wake up and Raphael will no longer be in his life.

_Just like Alec._

“Papa?”

“Magnus?”

He startles, and finds himself lying on the couch, a frown immediately forming.

“What happened?” He mumbles pushing himself up, finds Alec and Raphael sitting in the armchairs across from him, both of them looking at him with so much concern that it makes his heart ache. “Stop looking at me like that!”

“You had a panic attack and fainted.” Alec explains, voice so full of worry.

_“Oh.”_

“Should I… should I go?” Raphael asks, frowning. “I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have come? Maybe it’s too soon?”

“Don’t you dare!” Magnus hisses at him, narrowing his eyes. “You didn’t do anything, I’m just an idiot breaking my own heart.”

“Magnus?”

“Mortality.” Magnus answers, shrugging his shoulders, and lying back down, looking up at the ceiling. “I just… I just realized you’re both mortal.”

“ _Oh._ ” Raphael exclaims and there is so much in that one sound that Magnus laughs, because Raphael understands, Raphael knows exactly what it is to be an immortal who loves a mortal more than themselves. “Papa, I’m _so sorry_!” Raphael tells him, and he is, Magnus can hear the regret and apology in his son’s voice and he despises it.

“You’ve wanted to be mundane again for as long as I’ve known you, Raphael. I’m truly happy for you.” Magnus promises, turning to look at his son. “I just… didn’t ever think I’d have to say goodbye.”

“Maybe the Seelie will let me drink from the Fountain of Youth?” Raphael ponders, causing Magnus to roll his eyes.

“Maybe if you ask Meliorn _really_ nicely.” Magnus answers, with an amused little snort.

“Meliorn?”

“Am I really the only one who has paid _any_ attention _whatsoever_ to the goings on in the Seelie Realm? Our beguiling friend managed to get himself declared King.” Magnus explains, glancing between his son and his husband and seeing the shock that forms on both their faces, he laughs. “Alexander!”

“I’ve been busy!”

“I can’t believe…”

“Can you guys fight later? And tell me more about Meliorn getting himself named king?” Raphael interrupts, a large grin on his face. Magnus gives him a look, before rolling his eyes.

“Oh, very well!”

* * *

Raphael spends the day hovering around Magnus, Alec _loves_ it, since he takes the time to disappear and get some actual work done, but it grates on Magnus’ nerves. Rarely has Raphael ever been in the position to take care of Magnus, normally it’s always the other way around. Magnus knows he hovers to such an annoying degree when Raphael is hurt, so he doesn’t say anything to his son, even though he would like to snap that he’s actually eight hundred years old and fully capable of taking care of himself. Instead, he decides to enjoy the time with his son, especially since Raphael has rarely spent this long in his presence since leaving the nest over half a century ago.

Still, when night falls and Raphael begs his leave, stating he’s going to the movies with Izzy, Clary, Jace, and Simon, Magnus is pleased to be left on his own for a little while, since Alec shut himself in the study around lunch time and hasn’t been seen since. Magnus wraps Raphael up in a hug and promises his son that he’ll be fine and that Raphael has to let him know if the movie is any good, before he’s portalling Raphael home.

On his own for the first time in days, Magnus breathes deeply and lies down on the couch, closing his eyes. He loves Alec more than he can possibly ever hope to explain, but Alec’s love for him, his _concern_ and his _anger_ about what happened to Magnus is so suffocating, no matter how hard Alec tries to hide it, that sometimes Magnus just wishes there was somewhere he could go to be alone. He knows that’s unfair, that if he just up and disappeared on Alec it’d be like a slap in the face, if he’s lucky, and a trigger for Alec’s own PTSD if he’s not.

He wants to be alone, even though he has realized just this morning how little time he has left with Alec… with Raphael. He can have forever to be alone when they’re gone, but still, all he wants, is to have time to himself, to just breathe. He did this on his own, last time. Had no one hovering around him, had no one willing to care for him. He won’t say it was easier, even now he doesn’t know exactly how many days he came close to ending it all. He won’t say it was easier, _different_ , definitely, but not easier. But this is… no easier. It’s difficult to stomach the way he can see how his hurts hurt those that he loves, he can barely understand, barely handle the way _he_ feels, without having to concern himself with them, too.

What happened to him all those centuries ago, it won’t define him. He already knows this, figured this out for himself long ago, but now, the people he loves that, for some unknown reason, love him back need to figure that out for themselves. Cat’s sympathetic to his kidnapping, but she doesn’t feel any pity for him, she came to terms with his past as he was coming to terms with hers. The bad things that happened to them haven’t defined them, they know this, everyone else just needs to figure that out.

* * *

Lorenzo is their next visitor, showing up in the early morning about a week and a half after the attack, fidgeting on the doorstop when Alec opens the door. Alec glances between the two warlocks and announces that he has to speak with Jia, so he’ll be in the study, before the Shadowhunter disappears down the hall. Magnus looks after him, bemused, before turning back to Lorenzo and raising an eyebrow when the High Warlock of Brooklyn still hesitates on the threshold.

“I’m not going to bite, you know?” Magnus asks, softly, smiling when Lorenzo looks at him with haunted eyes. The other warlock gives a stiff nod and finally enters the loft, gently shutting the door behind him, only to begin pacing across the floor.

“You know, I hated you for a very long time.” Lorenzo says, glancing his way, Magnus shrugs.

“Your feelings for me used to be another person in the room, Lorenzo.” He replies, honestly, sinking back against the couch cushions with a sigh.

“I thought… well it was really stupid.” Lorenzo huffs, rubbing at his face with visibly shaking hands. “I thought you just… I thought you were just given everything without ever having to work for it.”

“It’s really not an uncommon assumption. Most of our kind know that I was taught personally by my father.” Magnus answers, the bitterness that would have once filled his words is long ago put to rest.

“It was stupid, Magnus! What immortal has ever gotten far without having to pay some sort of price?” Lorenzo demands, shaking his head and coming to a full stop, his fingers tangled in his hair, and his palms pressed flat over his eyes.

“Why are you so upset about this? We buried the hatchet months ago.” Magnus queries, a frown forming on his face.

“Because I didn’t know what price you had to pay to get where you were.” Lorenzo replies, turning to look at Magnus, as he tenses up, without meaning to.

“Just because you found out that I was… just because you found out about my past doesn’t mean-“

“Before I realized I was immortal, I was engaged to be married to a girl in my city _._ About three days before our wedding, she was attacked in the street.” Lorenzo speaks, talking over Magnus until he falls quiet. “She wouldn’t say what happened to her and _both_ of our parents forced us to go through with the marriage. So, when she was well enough to leave the hospital, and the bruises had faded enough that she wouldn’t look like a battered bride on our wedding day; we said our vows. I spent my wedding night listening to her crying in the bedroom, while I lay on the couch. She never told me what happened, but four months later, when she threw herself off the nearest bridge, our marriage was still unconsummated, and I’d moved into the guest bedroom.” Lorenzo explains, his voice flat, his eyes glazed.

“Lorenzo-“ Magnus whispers rubbing at his face, breathing deeply.

“For months I watched the woman I love become someone I could no longer recognize. She was the strongest person I knew, but it wasn’t enough.” Lorenzo exclaims, shaking his head. “I misjudged you, Magnus. I made an assumption and it was _wrong.”_

“It’s not about strength.” Magnus tells him, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to ignore the chill that suddenly rushes through him. “I lost count of the days when I thought about or tried to end it all.” He sighs and leans his head against the back of the couch, looking up at the ceiling. “My father taught me that rape was a violation of the soul itself, that it was such a heinous crime he would never engage in it. He’s the personification of Lust, but he explained to me that rape is… it’s not about lust, it’s about dominance and greed. He said that sometimes, the soul is hurt so much it can’t ever heal on its own. That the damage just festers and grows worse and worse until there is nothing left.”

“Soul magic, I could have-“ Lorenzo whispers, sinking to his knees.

“ _No._ ” Magnus says, shaking his head and cutting the other warlock off before he can continue. “No, Lorenzo, there is nothing you could have done for her. It’s not a reflection on her, or on yourself. Her _soul_ was broken. You can mend a broken heart with time and with care, but there is no cure for a broken soul.”

“But… sometimes we have to give pieces of our souls for magic and that heals?” Lorenzo murmurs, seeming to collapse into himself.

“Magically severing a piece of your soul, if done correctly, is healable. If done incorrectly, you get something akin to Lord Voldemort from those children’s books. Vile, emotionless, insanity.” Magnus explains, rubbing his forehead, hoping the headache he can feel beginning to form will not linger. “A soul broken by torture or by rape is incapable of healing, it is a soul that has been pushed beyond its means. Sometimes, when people say they died of a broken heart, they died of a broken soul.  I-I guess an angelic miracle could help them but the odds of that happening are very low.” He pinches the bridge of his nose and huffs. “I think my magic is part of what saved me, but then, my magic could have just as easily fractured under the pressure…”

“I shouldn’t have judged you on what others had said about you.” Lorenzo says, frowning at him.

“Honestly, Lorenzo, it’s not like I gave you any choice. I realized you were labouring under a lot of wrong ideas about me, I could have set you straight, but I chose not to.” Magnus tells him, before he sighs heavily and shakes his head. “I don’t let what happened to me define who I am or how I will live my life. I hope you’re not going to let it change how you view me. I’m not _her_ and while I might take awhile to not feel like I’m teetering on the edge of hysteria, I am still eight hundred years old and fully capable of calling you out.” Magnus threatens, causing the other warlock to snort.

“Of course. You’d have destroyed me if you’d really been taking that fight seriously, right?” Lorenzo questions, pushing himself up onto his feet and going to sit down on the couch beside Magnus.

“You once pointed out to Alec how similar my magic is to my father’s. I’ll let you answer that question.” Magnus tells him, a small grin on his face. “Now, tell me what’s happening in Brooklyn?” He asks, slowly relaxing as the High Warlock of Brooklyn eagerly tells him about the changes and the goings on within the warlock community of Brooklyn.

* * *

Ever since Raphael’s visit, Alec has been different, like there is something on his mind, but every time Magnus thinks his husband will broach the topic with him, something inconsequential comes out of his husband’s mouth instead. Until they’re sitting at dinner one day and the words seem to blurt out of Alec’s mouth.

“I’m not leaving.” Alec tells him, and Magnus honestly _tries_ to understand exactly just what his husband is even talking about, but while he can read minds, he tends not to do that unless the situation is dire and he especially never does it without permission. So, when his brain blanks, he just stares dumbly at his husband until he clarifies. “I’m not dying. I’m going to become immortal. Somehow. I don’t care.”

“Oh, Alexander.” Magnus whispers, putting down his cutlery and breathing in deeply, pressing a hand to his head. They’ve argued about his immortality or Alec’s mortality at this table, over food, more times than he can count but this is the first time Alec has ever mentioned becoming immortal. “You would hate being a vampire and I won’t let you just give up everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

“None of it matters, Magnus. Not when I can have you, be with you forever.” Alec argues, shaking his head, sounding so utterly incredulous that it takes Magnus breath away. Alec has always found it baffling when Magnus thinks his husband will ever care about so-called ‘little things’ when they’re weighed against Magnus himself.

“You’ve worked your whole life to be where you are now.”

“I can work towards something else.” Alec replies, sending Magnus an amused smile, Magnus feels his lips pulling into a smile of his own. “I’m going to ask Clary if she can create an immortality rune. It’ll mean I get to stay a Shadowhunter.”

“You’ve put some thought into this.” Magnus answers, narrowing his eyes.

“When you were in Edom.” Alec agrees, nodding his head. “I don’t know if anyone ever told you, but I got so desperate I begged Simon to turn me into a vampire, so I could… so I could go to Edom and be with you.”

“Oh, my darling.”

“It was so hard. Everyone kept acting like… like you were dead. Even mom, and _you’re_ her _favourite_.” Alec tells him, Magnus laughs, because Maryse has devoted herself wholly to ensuring Magnus knows just what it means to have a mother who cares. “It was nightmarish and I couldn’t imagine going on if you weren’t ever going to come back and I wondered if that’s what… what it would mean for you when I was gone. I won’t hurt you like that, Magnus.”

“It wouldn’t be your fault, Alec.” Magnus assures him, even though the idea of having an _eternity_ with Alec is everything he could ever want. “You can’t just give everything up for me, but if you want this, I won’t fight you on it. I already know that you will be the last person I ever love.”

“Guess you’ll get to be the _only_ person I ever love.” Alec tells him with such a happy grin on his face that Magnus’ heart can’t help but swell. Alec’s smiles have always slayed him.

“All I have for you is love that knows no bounds.” Magnus promises, smiling at the way Alec’s eyes soften at the sound of their wedding vows. “It’s only _forever_ ; it’s not long at all.”

“What?”

“Oh! We’re watching the Labyrinth after dinner.” Magnus exclaims, amused. “I can’t believe you’ve never seen it. It’s a classic! David Bowie was so good!”

“Wait. Is this the crotch movie Clary keeps going on about?” Alec asks, a perplexed frown on his face.

“The… crotch movie?” Magnus asks, choking on a laugh.

“Yeah, Clary was telling Izzy about this movie David Bowie was in but… like his crotch was like all up in your face, or something.” Alec says, blushing brightly, Magnus roars with laughter.

“Yep, that’s the one!”

“I’ll withhold judgement until I’ve seen the movie but… why?” Alec exclaims, but Magnus just laughs harder, and Alec doesn’t get an answer out him at all. “Alright, then. I guess I’ll have to find out for myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Labyrinth being referred to as 'the crotch movie' is an RL experience, one of my friends at work had never seen Labyrinth, but had heard the rest of us discussing it and the fact that Bowie's crotch is like... just THERE whenever he's on screen and she finally got around to watching the movie and I got a text that was just 'OMFG THIS IS THE CROTCH MOVIE! WHY?!'


End file.
